Still over here crying like an idiot. Much fun. Mom called to let me know times for tonight finally and I basically dumped all my random depressy bullshit on her. Awful idea since I can all but guarantee that it will be used against me at a later date. Apparently not eating for days so the kids can have their full is "just a mom thing" which is fucking hilarious since she has never in her life had to worry about bills being paid on time or choosing between food or gas or not having enough to eat. People who have never struggled in any way are just absolutely delusional when it comes to what it is actually like to barely scrape by and to live paycheck to paycheck with no guaranteed minimum. Oh yes mother you've had it so hard moving from living with your parents to being married to someone with a high six figure salary. If my eyes had rolled any harder at her food comment I think I may have seen my brain. She spent like an hour telling me to go get my shower but I've got that good old complex ptsd so showering alone is insanely triggering and scary af cause I get severely dizzy so doing it with no one home terrifies me. Like to the point where when hubby comes home and I tell him I showered alone that day he makes a point of making a big deal about being proud of me about it. I'm so fucking broken its pathetic and I hate myself for it. I can't even feel my own body right now but I know I'm gross af and if I'm leaving I have to take a shower but I'm so worked up I may puke if I try to even get up. I hate feeling like a waste of oxygen for even existing. Ugh. Sorry to be such a downer especially for Christmas. I hate feeling like I'm being a burden to yall and that I'm ruining everyone's festive mood. Don't worry, I know better than to do anything drastic, not like I could afford a 72 even if I needed it. I don't, I'm just not in a place where being alone all day is helpful at all.
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