Welp….. I FINALLY got some sleep last night after not sleeping for kind of a long time…. There was a 2 am dab session to help get back to sleep
So we’ll see how the day progresses… hopefully the ptsd has scaled back to a manageable level.
Crazy how this happens…. I didn’t realize it, but we’re approaching the anniversary of one of the events that caused the PTSD in the first place…… I didn’t realize it, even had to look up some dates to verify….. my subconscious remembered though. The brain is a complex and fascinating thing….. and when it fucks up, it happens in bizarre ways
Sometimes it's
very obvious and other times you got to really search to find the reason of the trigger.
I really don't think there is a time when there is
not a trigger. There are sometimes though when that trigger can be quite elusive to figure out what it was.
I have known trigger dates and no matter how far out of mind they are to the conscious, the subconscious never fucking forgets. I attribute most of that to our ingrained Fight or Flight instinct.
Those "no rhyme or reason" outbreaks, at least that what's obvious to the conscious mind, I think those are the most frustrating to deal with.
I do think the most important skills to develop is to
recognize when you are in an episode. I will still occasionally miss the signs. I kinda recognize what's going on with people start looking at me funny or apprehensive.
I learned early on that cops in certain situations could be a trigger. That really confused the hell out of me. It wasn't all the time or it with every encounter. I did finally figure out what the particular trigger was. the trigger was always in a situation where I thought the cop was lying to me or trying to get something over me. My silly ass subconscious correlated that impression with the pure POS that purposely gave bad intel that cost lives. To this day there was no accountability.
I think my subconscious correlates the two as Governmental misconducts. Lies has always spun me up in my whole life, so it's pretty easy to see where my subconscious would make that association. Maybe it's my sense of injustice also. With no accountability or atonement for a needless loss of life, I've never been able to find any sort of closure.
You'd think that crap would fade over the decades!
I guess sorta I've been blessed, whether through luck or trending towards more self-isolation, it's been a few years, since I've been in a scary situation with law enforcement, not scary for what they would do, but for what
I would do. The idiot
finally arrived on scene where delays could have caused quite a few lives lost and very narrowly almost did. This idiot started barking stupid orders to the people that had already handled the situation before he got there. When I tried to nicely inform him of what had occurred, all I got was more bullshit * stupidity and unlawful orders. When I informed this officer that he need to chill a bit, he made an aggressive move toward me. The Fight or Flight instinct came up and Flight wasn't in the plans. I was able to stave off the instinct, but my neighbor really helped it by hollering at the officer and redirecting his attention. Although it was extremely tempting to execute my planning when his attention was directed elsewhere. He had no idea how close he was. And that's the scary part.
Yeah, I did control my instincts, as difficult as it was. The problem is of how close it was into being thrown into action. It didn't help that I was angry as hell with this idiot. My neighbor and I had put our ass on the line to correct something that should have been the authorities job to do, but they decided to take their own sweet time, even though they have been informed many times that the situation was quite dire.
I guess I can be thankful that my neighbor drew his attention. He spent some time in the sandbox as a Marine Logistics engineer in support of the combat troops. Hey you guys know that's very close support and sometimes they are in the hot action. Being a Marine and also around a bunch of Sailors, you could describe his verbiage as 'colorful' in response to the officer. I think that helped me in gathering my thoughts and calming my instincts. I then laid into his ass like my neighbor was doing!
A supervisor rolled up as we were giving the first officer his well-earned ration of doody. At least this guy was attentive and quickly assessed the situation . I saw a chuckle and shake his head and then tell Mr Goober head to get in his car and go block traffic further up. He had heard some of what his officer said and we informed him of the rest of his stupidity!
Like you said yesterday, you
know when there are days when you need to stay home. While some people may think that it's a bad thing, missing out on life.......ect................. We know it's a
good thing! Being able to recognize the problem is one of the biggest hurdles to overcome. Since there are a lot of those hurdles, at least getting one of them out of the way is pretty damn good!
And having an A-type Personality doesn't help !
Enough BS! Is grow room time! Everybody have a fine Wednesday!
Ohh yeah, Happy Valentine's Day!
. 
ppp
ppp
