Live Stoners AFN Baking (breads n things)

At least there is an alternative now. There is no way to cook right without some kind of sweetener to fight acidity. I don't think you can have it both ways, that is being a clean sweetener like sugar, honey, maple syrup, etc without affecting your blood sugar levels.

I just found out literally last week that my dear beloved grandmother, who died 11 years ago right as I was hooking up with the Nurse, had diabetes. She would cook huge dinners and make treats and eat treats. I was quite flabbergasted. She hid it very well, and lived to the ripe old age of 90. I couldn't deal with finger sticks...being a guitar player just doesn't work with sore fingers, I prefer the leather pad approach of long term calluses. I remember the commercial with BB King playing 'Lucille' his black Gibson ES-335s...where he was talking about not checking his blood as much as he should because of the sticks. I think the commercial was for some new kind of blood monitor that didn't use finger pokes. My buddies kid also has diabetes, and he is only 15. That shit is everywhere. He has a digital monitor installed inside him and gives real-time blood sugar info. Hopefully they will have a cure soon.

THEY'RE called KAAAAHBS Joe's dad's stuff
If its acidity you are trying to combat, add a teeny amount of sodium bicarbonate (baking soda), or maybe a crystal or two of sodium hydroxide. Should buffer the acid without adding any sugars.
 
Most my family is diabetic so they've tried Stevia and other things. Right now they are using Monk Fruit as a sweetener it comes in drops or powder form.
I've heard thats pretty good, too.
 
Dude...I have read your bread novel twice now. I am totally gonna do this. I absolutely want/need this in my life. I am a sourdough fool, and I have read some funny and crazy stories about bakers doing some odd shit to keep their starter happy in times of crisis. I have everything here now minus the rice flour.

Question about that; do you want the expensive rice flour from the organic section or just any will do?

Story time:

I tried to make a magic mushroom farm about 15 years back and this is akin to that...making the mycelium network strong enough to keep other invisible warriors at bay. I actually got past this part and had 2 dozen inoculated jars of rice flour/vermiculite/water and the Psilocybe Cubensis Amazonian Strain I shot in with a loaded spore syringe.

I remember sterilizing the jars and medium inside pressure cookers and all that fun stuff.

I literally just built my terrarium and had to go out of town for a few days to Chicago...I was coming home on the plane making plans to get this project going within a day or so only to have my hopes dashed.

I pulled in the driveway to see my kitty outside. Odd. He is not an outside cat. He was screaming at me as well. Fair enough...bastard.

I get to the front door and as I'm reaching for my keys I am stopped dead in my tracks by the front door...which was swinging in the breeze with a business card STAPLED to it. It read:

Monroe County Sherrif's Office
Narcotics Task Force
Investigator David Burns

Ohh shit.

This isn't supposed to happen.

I was also growing some dope, like a few of us do round these parts. Apparently, my landlord decided to come snooping while I was away. Yay for that. I just love when people break the law...and then use that against you to CALL the law.

I hate cops, and I am absolutely not a cop caller. I come from the old school where guys punch other guys in the face for being human douchebags...which then turns into a cold beer and a better friend more times than not. All this calling of the cops today and lawsuits and just plain waste of space humans is getting ridiculous and punches in the face get WAY more done.

So...this BITCH of a Landy, came into my home when I was not there. I was paying $1200 a month to live here, which clearly doesn't mean anything. I was in the middle of a 1lb harvest with about 10oz hanging and the other 4 or 5 about a week or two behind that still growing. I had taken a trip to Toronto and brought back about a dozen strains as well as a couple live clones for this grow...this was before the days of easy access to the illegal side of dope farming.

My home was completely turned upside-down. Everything. The cops (and my landlord BITCH) took all the dope. I also lost my shrooms. She cherry picked what she wanted before calling 911. She told the cops I had a fucking giant operation...they came with like 10 vehicles, which I found out from my neighbor a day later. He watched them bring the living plants out of the house into the back of the huge UPS sized van of the Monroe County Narcotics Task Force.

I never did get indicted....on ANYTHING from that, and they even left my bong alone. ALSO my 430w and 600w HPS and just about all the other gear I had. I had to talk to David Burns, and all he wanted to know was one question: What was the purpose of this little grow?

Personal Use Dave...personal use.

He shook my hand and said "Right answer. Do me a favor and don't try that again with a nosy landlord"

I moved out the day I came back from Chicago...it wouldn't be the same there ever again. That's the closest I almost came to making anything like this crazy bread.

I'm gonna give it a go dude. Can't wait. I might have to ask a million questions as this seems crazy as hell. I will let you know when I start.

PS: I got a letter in the mail a few weeks after departing that place. It was from the City of Rochester Civil Court. That bitch, read again, B.I.T.C.H. sued me for FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. The absolute maximum for small claims. I lived there for about 11 months. I wasn't ever more than a few days late with rent. Never short. Straight cash money. She would write me a receipt. This BITCH...on her unimpeded stroll through my life...fucking STOLE my rent receipts, which were all in one nice little pile in a cupboard in my kitchen along with other bills and house stuffs. Come to find out, she has sued EVERY SINGLE ONE of her ex tenants, with this being like the 3rd or 4th time this has happened where nobody has paid.

RED FLAGS BABY

The judge had a little conference with the other judges and her 'file'...which must have been like a phone book. She was labeled as "Litigious" by the civil court, which pretty much shut her down in her tracks.

Fast forward a few years, and I find myself once again standing on that street...which is crazy, because it's a TINY little street with about a dozen houses and it's about 30 miles away from everything. I answered a Craigslist ad for a lead guitar player wanted and it was my old neighbor's band. I got the part by the way. Anyway, we are having a BBQ outside with the neighbors, (he was a chef) and he introduces me to this guy, who now lives in my old house. Turns out that she lost EVERYTHING. She got arrested for some sexual thing with a minor (she was 50 something) and EVERYTHING there went to her ex-husband while she got 7 years. It was his son that was living there.

VINDICATION!!!!

This cunt (pardon my language) never worked a day in her life. That house was given to her and hand built by her father. It was appraised at $600k+ because it was actually two houses in one with a sky bridge connecting them, right on Lake Ontario with an endless view from my 3rd floor 600ft² bedroom. I even had my own balcony with sliding door in my bedroom with a mini fridge and my trusty grill up there. It was designed by a guy who built restaurants, and the whole place was nautically themed with hardwood floors, walls and ceilings. Complete with a huge ship's wheel, a freaking harpoon set, netting, lobster traps...fully furnished and VERY themed. What a place. Yeah....she lived on premises in the other house. She was NUTS.

I took one of the harpoons with me by the way. Tee hee. I still got it.

NEVER DO THIS TO YOURSELF KIDS. If your future landlord lives shouting distance away from your new potential home, do as Pink Floyd would do and RUN LIKE HELL. Lol. Lesson learned. I won?? Kinda?

She didn't win, and that's what counts.

THEY'RE called KAAAAHBS Joe's dad's stuff
 
I also meant before with the sweetener thing about keeping acid there, just fighting it. More for the art of making sauces...a good acid component is critical for killer multiple note flavor profiles, and I regularly use acid to fight sweet more than vice versa...like with Yakisoba Noodles for example. Add a splash of rice wine vinegar in there to lose the cloying sweetness and kick it up 3 levels.

THEY'RE called KAAAAHBS Joe's dad's stuff
 
Question about that; do you want the expensive rice flour from the organic section or just any will do?

All the rice flour is for is to keep it from sticking to things. Pretty much any should do.

I've read a bunch of different styles for making a starter. Pineapple juice instead of water for the first 50/50 gram mix is common. And once you start searching for videos on the subject, you find all kinds of odd approaches. They all have two things in common: Flour and water. No matter what else you add initially, it will ultimately be displaced pretty much completely after just a few feedings. In other words, a waste of time.

Sourdough was the original way to make leavened bread, and it was probably discovered accidentally. I picture some ancient baker leaving a bowl of dough out (I almost added "of the fridge," then remembered while this guy was baking his bread, the pyramids were still being built), and discovering it a few days later, looking a bit bubbly. Dude says to himself, "Well it smells off, but lets bake it anyway and see what happens." -or- "Damnit! Well, I can't just throw this away. I'll bake it up and sell it to some schlub and see if he dies later."

Fast forward a millennia or so, and inside one of the pyramids was discovered a stash of dried up starter. It was still viable. At least that's the story I read, and I have no reason to doubt it.

I found a site a few years ago that sells various cultures gathered from around the world. https://www.sourdo.com/our-sourdough-cultures-2/

I bought a few, and got them all going in separate jars, stored in a mini-fridge I picked up for just that use.

Then I started wondering how they would avoid slowly transforming back to the local culture as they were fed with local flour (local yeasts, bacteria) over time. So I thought if I used bleached flour, which in theory should have dramatically lower populations of vermin, the starter would stay pretty stable. Then I started reading that eventually the local variants of yeast and bacteria would just enter from the air and eventually supplant the desired strains.

At this point I figured I was just wasting my time and money maintaining all these other cultures and just threw them away.

So this begs the question: How does Ed Wood, the proprietor of Sourdough International, maintain the purity of these strains? Answer: If what I have read is true, he can't. He's feeding them all the same flour, and they are all exposed to the same air.

Yet he stands by his products, as do a lot of his customers. From this I conclude that there just isn't any real science done that can prove or disprove any of this stuff, and until there is I'll stick to my home made starter and be happy with that.

If you do want to go with an Ed Wood strain for fun, I'd feed it with bleached flour and distilled water and hope for the best. It might work, it might not. Nobody seems to have any actual, repeatable, experiments that can prove their theories.

*My* theory on how all of these beliefs came to be can be traced back to how bread was made in the olden times. Once the leavening effect was discovered, the bakers would leave the bread out for a day or so to rise, and they probably assumed the effect came from being exposed to the air. Germ theory wasn't really a thing back then. However, the evil rogue scientist in me calls hogwash on that. Especially now that we know the bacteria and yeast are at their highest concentrations in the flour. So I don't think it matters so much where you are that determines the strains of bugs you get in the bread, but rather where the wheat was grown that was used to make the flour. So if you want to make San Francisco sourdough, order a crap-load of flour from a farm out in that area. That or a little pouch of magic from Ed Wood for $15. See which approach gives you consistent results.

All that said, I'm keeping it simple. I get flour from the store and water from the well. Bread tastes amazing. I'm happy with that.

Also, understood with the acid/sweet thing. And fully agree. I was thinking of how I make tomato sauce.... Usually sprinkle in a pinch of soda to reduce the odds of heartburn.

Your old landlady seems like quite the nightmare. Interesting story, and with a happy ending to boot!

If I could make a teeny suggestion on your pretzel recipe.

Instead of baking soda, use sodium hydroxide. That's what was traditionally used, and it gives it just that more authentic of a pretzel flavor. The higher (by an order of some magnitude) alkalinity of the hydroxide makes for a more thorough chemical reaction with the surface of the dough. The downside is that working with the stuff requires a few precautions. Gloves and eye protection a must. You do NOT want to get that stuff in your eyes. Use stainless steel for the bowl and whatever you are going to use to handle the pretzels while dipping in the solution. Once removed from it and put on the baking sheet, the solution will finish reacting and become neutralized. I don't have the ratio handy, but a quick search should tell you how much to use given the amount of water.

Lastly, before dumping it down the drain, add some vinegar until it stops making bubbles. I doubt it would hurt anything, but in chemistry its just common practice to make sure whatever you discard into the environment is safe.

Peace!

:pass:
 
Should add: Whenever you get chemicals for cooking, aim for pharmaceutical grade. Food grade should be your second choice, and is perfectly fine as well.

The difference? Food Grade is "wont kill you." Pharma grade is "99% pure from natural sources. It must not contain binders, fillers, dyes, excipients or other unknown substances."

I'll go with pharma :biggrin:
 
Should add: Whenever you get chemicals for cooking, aim for pharmaceutical grade. Food grade should be your second choice, and is perfectly fine as well.

The difference? Food Grade is "wont kill you." Pharma grade is "99% pure from natural sources. It must not contain binders, fillers, dyes, excipients or other unknown substances."

I'll go with pharma [emoji3]
That's nuts...I NEVER expected NaOH to be what you suggested. Let's kick it up and try some freaking caustic soda...lol. I made some GHB from GBL, I didn't do it, but I was present when it was made. That's Gamma Butryolactone to Gamma Hydroxybuturic Acid synthesis from GBL + NaOH -> GHB from GBL chrome wheel cleaner. It was a long time ago, and we definitely were wearing goggles and aprons. It was so neat and it got crazy and turned into maple syrup. Don't do drugs...lol.

I was totally not thinking about lye though, that's for making soap and explosives (Thanks Fight Club). You can add a hardcore pH 13 base to water and not die from enjoying it down your throathole?

As the famous YouTube channel says: "Smarter Every Day."

I'm gonna see if AB (Alton Brown) has a NaOH based bread or pretzel recipe. He is the kind of dude that would be all over that. This little thread is quite the ripper.

THEY'RE called KAAAAHBS Joe's dad's stuff
 
@Dr.Bubbles

The solution is pretty weak, but its still a good idea to be careful. I don't recommend drinking it, obviously, and as long as your careful (Lab Safety for the Win! Just ignore my beaker-with-a-handle tea mug) you'll be fine. If you're worried about spillage, keep a bottle of vinegar nearby to knock down the pH. EDIT: I keep spray bottles of vinegar and saturated sodium bicarbonate solution for just such "emergencies"

Here's a good example recipe. https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1013159-bavarian-style-soft-pretzels

I was a bit skeptical too, but I've made pretzel rolls that way and they were amazing. Though I did learn a valuable lesson that day: Don't get any of the solution on plastic measuring cups. They don't get along well. Stainless Steel for everything that comes into contact with it to avoid tarnishing (or dissolving) cookware. Might wanna line the baking sheet with some parchment, too. But I do that anyway for all breads.

Time in a hot oven will complete the reaction of whatever hydroxide is still on the pretzel within just a few minutes, if not seconds. The resulting gelatinous layer is what gives it the flavor. Baking soda does the same thing, but on a pretty weak scale by comparison.
 
@Dr.Bubbles

The solution is pretty weak, but its still a good idea to be careful. I don't recommend drinking it, obviously, and as long as your careful (Lab Safety for the Win! Just ignore my beaker-with-a-handle tea mug) you'll be fine. If you're worried about spillage, keep a bottle of vinegar nearby to knock down the pH. EDIT: I keep spray bottles of vinegar and saturated sodium bicarbonate solution for just such "emergencies"

Here's a good example recipe. https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1013159-bavarian-style-soft-pretzels

I was a bit skeptical too, but I've made pretzel rolls that way and they were amazing. Though I did learn a valuable lesson that day: Don't get any of the solution on plastic measuring cups. They don't get along well. Stainless Steel for everything that comes into contact with it to avoid tarnishing (or dissolving) cookware. Might wanna line the baking sheet with some parchment, too. But I do that anyway for all breads.

Time in a hot oven will complete the reaction of whatever hydroxide is still on the pretzel within just a few minutes, if not seconds. The resulting gelatinous layer is what gives it the flavor. Baking soda does the same thing, but on a pretty weak scale by comparison.
I use non-magnetic stainless bowls almost exclusively for baking. I have a quite complete KAAAHBLED (not KAAAHB LED...keep it straight AFN) together set of nesting stainless bowls that has come from 20 years of here there and all points in-between scores...from rummage sales to the Goodwill to my old neighbor's generosity and even one or two from Grandmas time. I even traded two small ones for a bigger one that I was missing. Every one is my favorite, except for the big round one with the ring, that's my extra favorite. I also even have a favorite measuring spoon...lol...which is a 2 tablespoon long handled heavy duty SS model straight out of a restaurant kitchen.

I LOVE my collection of bowls, it inspires me to bake because its so much fun just getting the stack out, and that right there is worth the ticket price in my opinion. I would take this over any ready to go boxed set unless it was of the utmost caliber and really screamed at me. It's got the sentimental value thing in spades and I've already promised em to my daughter some day when I only eat at Denny's or Perkins.

The biggest one is absent in this picture because it was in use with some waffle batter in it. I wasn't going through all that malarkey just to switch bowls, which very will might have resulted in using another SS bowl, at which point that one would have been missing from the photo full of future waffles making the whole thing an exercise in futility.

Wow....what a mouthful. Speaking of mouth full, I want that bread hot out the oven to fill my mouth.

Plus one on the parchment too, I use that for everything but cakes and brownies, where I use the old tried and true Crisco + flour or just Crisco method respectively.

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THEY'RE called KAAAAHBS Joe's dad's stuff
 
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