Depression and Suicide

[Dark Matter]

I'm a Gooner. COYG lol

 

[epenguin]

Leyton Orient ain't it Krug ?

I also concur, Bestie was the Bestist I ever saw. Another genius touched by depression and alcoholism. But he did marry a Miss World ! Can't have been all bad !

eP.

 

[Fuggzy]

Hi guys. Huh, after reading the openness of the thread I thought it would be easier to speak up. I've been dealing with depression on and off for about 15 years now, and severe anxiety for about 6 years.I refuse to take any Rx for it, as last time ended with me relinquishing my guns, for fear of myself towards others. That fear is no longer there, but some days are still worse than other, and today happens to be one of those days. I have not been sleeping very good, only getting 2-3 hours a night for a couple weeks and it is taking its toll on my mental. I had a dream last night that woke me up, and threw me right in to a panic attack.

6 years ago my daughters mother and I split up. My daughter was only 2 months old, and I took it extremely hard. This is when my anxiety problem came to the surface. I went and got some counseling, but I don't think that wound will ever heal. To this day I still have not seen my daughter, nor know what she looks like.

Last night the dream I had involved my daughters death. She is alive and well, but about 1-2 times a year I have the same dream, and I watch her die. Even though I know it's not real I can't help, but to feel helpless. I can see that image of her lifeless face. The face I see is the 2 month old baby, staring at me, wanting help, and there is nothing I can do.

I'm not suicidal, but sometimes I feel like just packing my bags, and escaping. Only shitty thing about that is, I can't escape my own mind. Normally my days are spent smiling, and trying to cheer those up around me, but even some of that is just a cover. The whole "i'm a tough man" thing, which is garbage.

Fortunately I have a very supportive wife, and a 2 year old son that absolutely adores me. I work from 5-9am, and spend the rest of my day raising my son. If it was not for him, I'm not even sure I would still be married. Children have this amazing way of making you realize, that it really will get better. It has to, cause now, it's my duty to ensure this child, my beloved son, does not have to go through the troubles I did.

Well my thought are all over the place right now, so I am just going to leave it at this. Thanks for taking the time to listen, sometimes thats all it take. If anyone here every feel the need to chat or need a friend, I am always willing to talk, or just listen. Publicly, or privately, I will always be available. Take care guys.

Fuggzy.

 

[Dark Matter]

Hey fuggzy. Thanks for stopping in bro.

Reading your message there. It tells me something.

Your panic attacks and dreams of your little daughter are clearly having an impact. A negative one but the positives are much more greater.

When someone has a dream that someone or something dies and accompany that with the anxiety during the day, it tells me that here's a man who cares so much for his children and the thought of losing one is clearly playing on your mind which is why you get the dreams. You have so much good in your life that your scared of losing it. And this acts out in your dreams / nitemares.

Gand to have you here. Stay strong and remember.... There's always someone else you can help

 

[Fuggzy]

Thanks Dark Matter. Today was a much better day. Besides spending it with my wife, I finally got a good 10 hours of sleep. Just posting here removed a big weight off my shoulders too. I knocked out about 20 min after the post. After waking this morning, I told my wife I had the dream again, which was followed by a loving embrace from my wife. There is nowhere else I would have rather been. Today we enjoyed a chilly walk on the beach, laughed, ate, and just enjoyed each other. I'm looking forward to a nice night of sleep.

I hope everyone had a nice day, and again extend an offering of friendship to anyone that may need a shoulder to lean on. Take care guys.

 

[Dark Matter]

Sometimes all a person needs is a vent and I was hoping this thread would help with that.

It's proven to be working!

I feel this thread has done wonders for some people, including myself. But I get this feeling that we got to level up some how, forums are great but it doesn't really get to the people who may need our help more.

Any suggestions guys on how we can expand ?

 

[Fuggzy]

I guys I hope all is well here. I just wanted to share a bit that made me laugh. First I need to introduce the main attractions.

So I have a solid black mini rex rabbit. His name is really silly, based off half baked, and drawn out. His nickname is Carbon Foot, and being lazy normally is jut called Carbon. Now Carbon is my animal to care for, but is a house hold pet. I got him for my gardening as "live stock", and well, it's a fluffy rabbit. It didn't take more than 2 min of him being here to know he was going to be a loved pet.

Rabbits are on the bottom of the food chain by the way. They eat greens, and taste great. So naturally, they can be skidish. Carbon has been with us long enough that he only freaks out if he is being held in the air. The wired toddler doesn't even phase him any more.


Now my wife is a cat person (ugh, she needs to get a dog!). She has Lilly who is a Siamese mix, and absolutely gorgeous. She also is a territorial bitch that goes toe to toe with 35lbs dogs, and normally is the 1 left standing. She guards the yard like it was a tuna factory, and is good at it. Get her inside, and its snuggles, and PRRRRRRsss. I do admit for a cat she is a awesome companion.

Problems is, rabbits taste great! Good news is the cat has chosen to be a primarily outdoor cat. She only comes in from time to time for some rubbin'.

Now the cat didn't seem to even notice the rabbit for about the first month. I'd handle the rabbit, and get it's sent all over me, go straight to her, and she wouldn't even register the smell. When I did that with my dog, she almost attacked me.

So 1 day a couple weeks ago, I had Carbons cage on the floor so I could clean around where it goes. It was a nice day so I had all the doors and windows open, and here comes Lilly. The ferocious protector of these lands! Carbon was hand raised, and doesn't have a natural fear towards most things a wild rabbit does. Like other animals that are about his size. So Lilly comes meowing thorough the house, and ends in the kitchen with me. After a minute of walking around me Carbon got curious and hopped in to the corner closet to us to check out the cat.

I expected all hell to break loose, and it was nothing short of that. Lilly reacted to the sound, jumped around in defense mode, and hissed. To my surprise Carbon in turn stood on his hind legs, and shook his cage (he know how to open the door). This obviously surprised Lilly too. She tried to run away so fast she lost her footing on the tile, slid around the corner right in to a tv tray, and breaking a glass on it. In turn that scared her even more, and she jumped right out the damn window with a screen in it! I almost pissed my self. Here is the toughest damn cat I have ever meet, running away from a snack more or less. She didn't even come back in the house for 9 days. She is still timid of Carbon, and won't go within 15' of his cage. I couldn't have wished for a better introduction.

Chief Thurgood Carbonfoot of the Clan Coldpoop, direct desendant of Thurgood Jenkins (his full name by the way) Has been crowned the king over the Fuggy foundation. My next trick will be training a falcon to fetch the bong! Ahh damn it! Now I want a falcon. Have a good 1 guys.

 

[Dark Matter]

Cool story man very cool looking pets too! I hate cats but yours is pretty awesome.

Love the name carbon. Might call baby dark matter that lol

 

[Mossy]

DM..have you read this one..?

http://www.express.co.uk/life-style...-introduction-100-smart-watch-detects-bipolar

 

[Dark Matter]

Just now mossy. That's a pretty cool thing.

I'll read the full article when I'm a bit more sober. Lol

Big night last night