After seeing some of you guys bare your soul I feel I should explain my PTSD as well.
Ongoing sexual abuse by my uncle from I think about ages 4-7. From what I remember he didn’t get off on what he did per say, he had fun sexually humiliating me. I feel bad talking about this amongst other male survivors because I almost feel like I don’t count. That because the abuse I suffered was more about being humiliated then some guy getting his rocks off on me that somehow it doesn’t really count.
I was super socially awkward as a kid and still am and had killer anxiety even as a kid, I’d be sick to my stomach at school. So much guilt on top of this I was raised a fundamentalist evangelical Christian so I was looking for demons around the corner everywhere...then being made to feel like shit as proper evangelicals do.
My grandpa is an evangelical pastor.
Then add the bullying as a kid from other kids and my older sister (who tried to kill me and hospitalized me once and would beat the shit out of me).
I mean I know mean older siblings is normal, but it was harder to deal with when I had the abuse on top of that and all the other bullying and mental illness.
Then as an adult a couple of years ago when I flew home to visit my parents my mom picked me up from the airport. A driver high on coke, meth, and ether drove head on into us. Mom turned a hard right and it caught her headlight.
Half of her body was crushed. I look around see mom slumped over the wheel unconscious
I don’t know if she’s dead or alive. I call 911 and start crying like a bitch. I then start screaming at her and she wakes up but she’s fucked up hardcore. I keep talking with her praying with her waiting for emergency services to come.
She lived.
Had her jaw shattered, collar bone broken in two spots, humerus broken in two spots, radia and ulna broken in two spots, femur broken at proximal and distal end and tibia and fibula broken at proximal and distal end. Ankle broken both feet broken. Guy ended up serving two and a half years.
I’m suffering most of the time. Trying to control my drinking right now.
I can’t stand the pain in my heart that throbs, it will never leave, it hurts it hurts
But I will not give up, I will seek to try and help others like me not suffer so god damned much,
I hate having what feels to be a broken brain